Bodily Distress
by otherrealmwriter
Summary: Voldemort has just been reborn and wants Wormtail to prepare him a meal. But there are some distressing things having a body will cause when Wormtail can't cook too well... Humor fic, slightly OOC


**I don't own Harry Potter okay? Now this came to me while watching an AMV that was during the fourth film. It's the one where Voldemort gets his body back and a crazy idea came to my mind and this is the result of that. Don't take this as more a crackfic but enough of this A/N, on with the fic!**

Voldemort headed into the old Riddle house with his rat like follower Wormtail after he sent his Death Eaters to start to fulfill their roles in his new take over of the Wizarding world. "Ah, it's been so long since I could walk on my own two legs Wormtail." He stretched out and moved his hands around, exploring his range of motion. "You never realize how much these simple movements can make one feel better and the promise of my regin and Harry Potter's demise make it feel so much better."

"Yes My Lord..." Wormtail said as he followed after Voldemort's long strides, slightly panting grasping his sides.

"You need to get in shape. I don't think you adjusted to being human all the time yet." Voldemort smirked.

"Oh you're one to talk." Wormtail said looking at Voldemort, who cast a deathly glare at him. "What I mean my lord is that just until a few hours ago you were pretty much a baby when it came to taking care of yourself..."

"That I was. But I have regained an adult wizard's body." Lord Voldemort said. "And I would like some solid food again. As powerful as I am there are some needs I cannot deny."

 _Yeah and when you break the others out of Azkaban, Bellatrix would be happy to satisfy..._ Wormtail thought as he looked at Voldemort. "No need to be so vulgar Wormtail. But I do need you to head into the kitchen and make something for dinner. It needs to celebrate my rebirth."

Wormtail slinked off into the kitchen to find anything they had left from the previous summer while Voldemort sat down in a plush high backed arm chair and looked around. _Not quite the palace I had in mind for my rebirth but it will suffice for now..._ He thought as he placed his wand on the tears in the cloth repairing it. He pressed his tongue to the top of his mouth and felt his mouth grow very dry. "I had forgotten what thirst felt like." Voldemort said to him as he looked to the kitchen to see Wormtail pulling a few cans of spaghetti and boxes of crackers out of the cupboard. Voldemort sighed and conjured a cup. "Aguamenti" Voldemort said as he filled the goblet and took a deep drink. The cold water falling into his stomach felt satisfying as he craved another glass to fight the feeling of dehydration that overcame him. These were all sensations that he had completely forgotten about. Being less than the meanest ghost did mean you didn't have to do many things, like eat and drink unless you were in another's body. Living like a parasite was something Voldemort never wanted to do again. He took a third drink from the goblet and looked over what was his birthright, even if it was from his filthy Muggle father. He looked upon the town graveyard where he was reborn with a smile when he felt a pressure below his waist. _Oh yeah, with drinking again comes having to piss too..._ Voldemort got up and headed to the kitchen. "Wormtail, where is the washroom?"

"Over there, third door on the left." Wormtail said as he attempted to charm some moldy bread into something edible.

Voldemort headed to the washroom, staring at the porcelain bowl and began to relieve himself. One of the many new things he would have to get used to again. It was almost as if he was a toddler back in the orphanage, at least this time he knew what he was doing. It was just weird not having done so in the past 13 years. He finished up and headed out of the restroom and into the dining room where Wormtail had a feast placed in front of him.

"It's not much My Lord, but it's the best I can do with what we have. I will head into the village tomorrow and pick up more edible food." Wormtail said bowing to Voldemort.

Voldemort looked greedily at the food laid before him. He may have been a superior wizard but he could never turn down a good meal. Part of the reason he loved going to Hogwarts as a child was the most filling and delicious food. Now he had known from Barty's complaints that Wormtail was not a very good cook and somehow could in Barty's terms "Make kippers taste worse than hippogriff dung" but Voldemort craved food he could chew and feel on his tounge like before. He grabbed the Treacle Tart and stuck the fork in the pie, pulling a piece up to his mouth.

"You like My Lord?" Wormtail asked.

"Well, I won't kill you for it." Voldemort said as he patted down his snake-like mouth with a napkin, acting like his greedy behavior never happened. "Although I guess it is that Potter boy's favorite food. Never liked it before and I did use his blood in my veins."

"Possibly." Wormtail said as he picked up some kippers and placed them in his mouth. "Sasuages?"

"Give them to me." Voldemort said as he picked a few from the platter. He then took a drink from the goblet and picked up the long franks with a greedy desire. Sasuages were one of his favorite foods at Hogwarts. Of course no one knew these things but him. He sniffed it, noticing the smell was a little off, but it didn't seem like Wormtail poisoned them so be ate the sasuage, chewing it throughly. "What did you cook those in?" Voldemort asked as he looked at Wormtail.

"I thought they were in date." Wormtail said. As Voldemort looked at Wormtail with an annoyed rage, the masticated bratwurst hit his stomach. This caused him to grab his stomach in pain. "My lord?" Wormtail asked.

"I have to go..." Voldemort said as he ran to the bathroom again.

"Master!" Wormtail said as he ran after Voldemort until the door to the bathroom slammed in his face.

"YOU ARE NEVER TO COOK FOR ME AGAIN!" Voldemort yelled in rage as he grabbed the porcelain goddess bowl and threw up, seeing the chunks of his food again. "YOU...arrrghh...INCOMPETIENT...uugghhhh...FOOL!" Voldemort yelled as he felt a rumble lower than his stomach. This was like when he had to piss after drinking so much but behind him, with his stomach still rejecting the sasuages. He conjured a bag as he sat down on the toilet. He had only gotten food poisoning once before, the madam at the orphanage made pudding with sour milk.

"Are you okay?" Wormtail asked cautiously through the door.

"No. It's nothing a stomach soothing potion won't fix but still." Voldemort said as he opened the door staring at Wormtail in a rage "There are some things I did not miss about having a body."

"I am so so so so sorry My Lord..." Wormtail said bowing in shame.

Voldemort felt his stomach rumble again. "I think I will make that potion myself..."

 **So how was that? I know it may seem a little OOC there but this was just for laughs anyway. I know I should be working on my other fics and I plan to but this was just a crazy idea that hit me and frankly with all the stuff I am going though and fanfic writing being my hobby I thought I would de-stress by writing a little crackfic like this. So remember to read (well you just did) and to review! Ciao for now,**

 **otherrealmwriter**

 **aka**

 **Realm.**


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